I’m scared to masturbate.
First off, whilst there was a period of body enforced orgasm denial, I’m happy to report it’s at an end! Since my last post, my body cooperated enough to have sex, and 2 blissful orgasms. Unsurprisingly, I also spent the rest of the day recovering. Now, let’s dive into the apparent mental orgasm denial I’ve gotten myself into.
Here’s the thing, I’ve been avoiding masturbating. Considering I have boxes full to the brim of sex toys to test, this isn’t ideal. In fact, it wasn’t until I sat down to write a post for Masturbation Monday that I even realised it had become a problem. A big problem. I hadn’t noticed until now because I’ve unable to masturbate for a good month or so.
You might wonder how masturbation has become such a problem in my sex infused life, but I am constantly working. When combined with procrastination skills so legendary they could win awards, it’s quite a combination. But before I get off track imagining an award show full of unusual awards (too late), I need to stress that whilst I hadn’t consciously realised it, it makes sense.
I’ve gotten myself so worked up about masturbating, that it’s become an entire thing in my head. Consequently, I can’t get myself out of the mindset that it’s going to go disastrously wrong (if you know me, you’ll know I don’t have a great track record). Logic (aka my partner) says I just need to jump in, ignore the anxiety, and knock one out, but my brain keeps telling me it’s not that easy. The fear is valid, and that’s what complicates everything.
When you’re chronically ill everything you do is a coin toss where you never really win. Everything has repercussions whether you realise them or not. Having a quick and easy solo session – whilst something I enjoy, is no longer possible. The initial session might take 5 minutes, however just like the sex I had last week, the recovery will last hours, sometimes days. Quite honestly, I’ve got so much to do at the moment that if the coin toss doesn’t turn out even slightly in my favour, I’m screwed – and not in the fun way.
Now I’ve realised masturbation is a problem, I’d like to think I can take steps to work through it. I was getting pretty good at practicing self care, meditation, and progressive relaxation before masturbating, and it was going pretty well. But if I’m being brutally honest, I also don’t know if it is just a case of crossing my fingers, tossing that coin, and hoping for the best so I don’t procrastinate further. Who knows?
The joys of an unstable body!