Keep Calm, and Carry On
Sometimes, I feel rather British. Granted, this feeling is intensified as I’ve just watched four episodes of The Crown, but part of me feels like a stiff upper lip is needed to get through life. It’s how I’ve dealt with most things, but apparently that’s called compartmentalisation, and isn’t healthy for you.
Alongside all my usual health concerns, slight hesitancy when it comes to blogging, work, and new house drama, there’s a lot going on. I’m visiting my birth place with an increasing frequency where relatives tell stories that they think are ‘cute’ but are actually traumatic, resting for days to recover from the stress on my body then doing it all again, dealing with PTSD (probably cPTSD), but most predominantly grief.
Until today, for two months I’ve been putting off saying anything. I didn’t know how. First there was the cancer, and now, a week later, the repercussion of just how aggressive the cancer was. Saying it makes it real, too real, and like many things I have an aversion to the specific words.
The outward appearance has been that I’m pretty much fine. My work Twitter is just full of work because work is the only thing keeping me from falling down into that vicious spiral that is grief. Throughout November I threw myself into blogging, December the move, and January filming, but I’m running out of steam. I’m trying to mother my family because they’re children that aren’t good at taking care of themselves (not an overgeneralisation), whilst my partner attempts to take care of me, and my rather temperamental body.
Basically, I’m a bit of a mess, and I’m not sure how to convey that. I’m trying to get things done, but my brain is sluggish, and the day passes before I even realise what’s happening. Though, that could partially be due to forgetting my medication – not recommended. I’m really trying not to fall back into the twisted sense of relief depression and dissociation brings, but it’s hard.
Not saying it doesn’t feel genuine. Pretending everything is fine when it’s not, whilst is at times my forte, feels wrong, but at the same time everything has to be fine, or at least coast along, at least for now. I can’t afford to slip, not work, and fall back, when I feel like I’ve only just started to catch up for the past 2 years. Life has always had a habit of throwing too many things at me at once, and that doesn’t look to be changing any time soon.
I’m sorry I’ve been rubbish at replying, blogging, making YouTube videos, and the like. I’m a human that’s struggling, a bit lost, and has never dealt with grief well.