Picture of money - bill of 500 denomination, sitting on an open laptop on a wooden table.
All Posts,  Musings,  Opinion Pieces,  Personal,  Sex Work

Respect our boundaries, pay our fees. Don’t ask us to watch you wank for free.

Respect our boundaries, pay our fees.

Don’t ask us to watch you wank for free.

My time is not free. A sentiment all freelancers, bloggers, and self-employed people feel deeply. It’s deeply ingrained that time is money, and when you live by that saying it’s really hard to switch off.

As such, you’d expect that those in a similar position to yourself – a freelancer, self-employed person, or sex blogger, would understand that whilst you should not only pay for your porn, you should also pay for a fellow professionals time.

This is true for, and seemingly practiced in most areas of business. However, the glaring chasm of ‘oops I forgot to compensate you’ is prevalent within the adult industry. Don’t get me wrong, people expect free labour a lot of the time – interns, bloggers getting compensation in the form of products etc. But, I’ve never felt it more than within the adult industry. To some our time is worth nothing. I say this not solely from a provider’s point of view, but as a customer too. Where possible I always try my hardest to support other creators, both in and out of sex work.

If you approach me at my job, or in relation to my job, and you want me to answer a basic question you could find anywhere else, it’s gong to cost you. Double if there’s emotional labour on my end. Now, I’m not completely cold hearted, I will give links to my site, or preferred clip site where they can then easily find the information, but that’s it. I have upwards of 20 clients in my inbox daily asking me these questions on a quiet day, and my time is valuable. Yet, people don’t treat it as such.

One case in particular springs to mind, and it’s not going to make me popular. A sex blogger popped into my DMs, though I guess in this context I should say ‘slide’. They said that they’d seen my sex work content – my clips, and they liked them, though the terms were more descriptive. We’ve never spoken more than the odd hello, and interaction on Twitter has been brief. They did contact me on both my blogging, and sex work Twitter, I replied on the latter. My feelings would have been the same regardless on which Twitter I replied, because the matter was about my sex work, my paid content.

Then this moved into wanting my input on which of my clips they should buy. Any sex worker knows that if they’ve not spent a dime, and they ask you this question, there is a good chance they’ll be a time waster. I know for sure they didn’t tip me for my time. They didn’t approach me as a sex blogger, they approached me as a sex worker, and expected labour for free.

… and that’s what they got.

Looking back I should have said no, and should have asked them to tip, but because they were a fellow sex blogger, I felt compelled to answer. The interaction rounded off with an inappropriate question considering our lack of familiarity, a question that still doesn’t sit right with me.

The presumption that because I’m a dominatrix, sex worker, and fellow blogger that there’s a level of ‘I can ask this of you’, and it is a problem. I deal with many clients, many that self identify as male, that have ‘hand on dick syndrome’, and so manners fly out of the window.

Should I have contacted this person privately? Yes, but honestly I am terrified. I don’t fit into any of the communities I intersect. There’s always a ‘disabled, but sex worker’, ‘sex blogger, but sex worker’, and ‘sex worker, but disabled’ with every identity. As such I can’t help but see problematic people do problematic things that I want to call out, and now I’m going to, just like ‘Designing for ‘the disabled’.

For three groups of typically open minded individuals, there seems to be a close minded attitude to paying for sex worker’s time, including accessibility as standard, and remembering that other’s have boundaries that might be stricter than yours.

To this day I don’t know if they ever brought the suggest clips, or paid for my time – that’s the nature of clip sites. Maybe they did, then great, but if they didn’t, and never intended to then we have a bigger problem, especially within sex blogging.

Expecting that people will pay for your time, and then blatantly disregarding that when it comes to other people’s time is disrespectful. It tells me that I’m not worth your time, and lets me know just how much you think of my work. It reinforces the stigma sex workers are trying so hard to overcome, that our labour is valuable, and so many don’t see it as such. To many we are a punchline, or a questionably written show – I see you Netflix.

Don’t get me wrong, this is a massive problem within porn. Hundreds of thousands don’t pay for their porn, and many more expect free labour as standard. But, I guess it just hurts a bit more when someone that should know better, acts like everyone else.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Accessibility