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Under the thumb of the NHS.

Under the thumb of the NHS.

The NHS controls my life.

It’s a fact. Without my pill regime, I would not be functional, and without the many appointments I attend I would not be allowed the pills regime. I also rely on the appointments to see if there’s any chance of figuring out what the hell is going on with my ever temperamental body. Spoiler, usually no one has a clue.

It is because of the NHS, my temperamental body, and the realisation that I’m not Wonder Woman that I have to pull out of attention/speaking at Eroticon 2019. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to go, I’ve attended 2 conferences now, and they’ve been a joy to attend. However I have a number of important medical appointments around that time – some of which I have to travel hours to attend. I’ve come to the point in my medical journey where I need specialists of specialists, and I cannot comprise these appointments.

I hate it. Put simply, it’s really hard to love your body when you’re reminded every six hours that without a cocktail of pills you’d be screaming your head off. It’s also really hard that I can’t got to any of these appointments solo due to the wheelchair, and brain fog, fatigue, and my terrible memory. My partner has to come with me, so he has to take ‘holiday’ to do it. The NHS rules our lives, or rather my body does, the NHS is trying to help. So they say.

I’m putting a lot of it on the NHS, but my family is another another big reason I can’t attend. After the passing of my grandad last month, my mental health has not been great. I’m around family members that think it’s fun to call  my feet ‘horrifying’, and belittle me constantly, whilst also helping said family members both financially, and with their houses.

All this combined, it’s a busy and stressful time right now, and I need to listen to my body (and my partner). I need to take it easier, and I need to accept that I can’t do everything I want to do.

At some point, I will post my speech notes (shockingly they’re already prepared), and flesh them into a full article, and I’ll produce a video on the topic once my work backlog is at a sufficient level.

I am sorry to those who wanted to see me speak, and I’m sorry I won’t get to chat with those that are going.

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